Thanks for the quick reply. I have a tendency to bash things I like, if I did not like this game, I would've simply stopped playing and moved on; I wrote criticism so that it would hopefully grow better. That would be why this rollercoaster of a read stands as it does. Maybe I should start prefacing things like that? Well I'll do it now anyway.
Preface: I'm fond of* your game and you as a developer and writer. Keep that in mind throughout. I will write 'mean' because then you'll have to directly say 'I will not include this, thank you.' rather than saying 'Nice observation bud' to my critiques.
I was being too nice and so you elegantly brushed everything off-- I guess I made it sound very minor and that things were 'mostly good' which is not true. I know this behavior when I see it since I, personally, see it very, very often. Programmers, writers, and musicians do this thing where they pretend to listen or 'like' criticism. And it seems true because they are adults and so they don't lash out, but in reality they don't care about it since they believe that they are right.
Tell any programmer to switch from snake case to camel or vise versa and you'll see it. Actually told one recently to comment their code even if they work alone-- they made up plenty of reasons why it was fine (just as you did with the 'it makes things flow better' with the hyphens) but this programmer couldn't explain why they often forget pieces of their program. Showed them some OpenGL code (ever try embedding Lua with ANSI C?) with heavily commented parts and I was still able-- after all this time-- to explain most of it to them. Maybe you're not always right, programmer. Writer.
Now this is your remainder that I like you, and your game-- I'm just really hammering in some things that you probably won't even change in the end, but I am telling you so that I can't say that I didn't try and because being 'nice' to you will result in you not listening.
1. None of my criticisms were minor. I really was being nice by stating/implying that. First off, I cannot stand when I see writers go for the easy option. That is, when writers just use their hometown, or country. Sure, it works for you, right? But, it would probably work better if you put more thought behind it.
Now, if it was I who authored this, I would consider making the city the protagonist has bad relations with be extremely cold. Barren. Devoid of all things good. Have him be the coldest there when the cast goes, and have the other characters 'warm' him up metaphorically and literally. It's cold because there is nothing there for him. But he can stand it because his friends are with him. Like, I don't know, when they're huddled together for a march? Simple stuff, really, but it appears that your literature class passed you by without word. I cannot name a single "complex" metaphor throughout at least Jayda's route. It's all really, really basic. So I am not surprised-- and I mean that as kindly as possible.
So, let's use our thinking caps. Now, you'd certainly like these characters to leave an impression? There's a "recent" character that left an impression that recently resurfaced. Walter White. Why? 'I am the one who knocks.' Very simple metaphor. Very powerful. So, let's do something simple but powerful. Jayda likes video games very much. Why not use things related to video games?
'Sorry, Sydney. This is my Game Over. I am quitting art class.'
'Well why don't you press continue?'
Like you see how that leaves an impact even if it is a little cheesy? Come on, man! You care about these characters or do you care about 'funny scenes' and 'quirky moments' that you use them for? They're people! They do not speak like you, they have different perspectives on right and wrong, and they deserve memorable moments and lines. Stop f*cking using them and tossing them away like garbage!
(Unlike the previous example, you can add this in without changing much since if you're afraid of editing your narrative. Since it's always perfect the first time, am I right? Sarcasm. Name one program you wrote that compiled right the first time and do not say 'Hello World.')
There should always be meaning behind everything you put into a piece. Even if it is just a dating sim-- you seem to want it to be deep, right? Touch on some things? Why not put in some real effort and not hand wave anything that's too difficult? That's a limitation you're imposing-- stop leaving on Vsync. You are very driven, why are you being lazy and pretending to take criticism on your writing?
To the first point, you don't have to put him in Russia, you don't even have to move out of Australia, just make some reference to something metaphorical for once rather than everything be so suffocating generic that I can't stand going back to really do any other route-- that's real 'not-nice' reason for why I did not bother to do the other routes. Funny since I liked Jayda who is the tomboy archetype personified, so I am guilty, but so are you, writer.
Reminder. I like you and your game. That is why I telling you why it sucks. And how it can be better, I hope you'll at least considering these things for maybe even just future works.
2. Grammar. Just in general alludes you. Yes you can technically have every character interrupt every one else and call it 'lively.' You can do that, and I can also come in and say that it is annoying, not representative to how 'lively' events function, and results in a worse experience for the reader who is thrown half-finished gibberish with a hyphen at the end. Imagine if. I just started not finishing my-
Annoying, right? By default you will always think your writing is great because, well, you wrote it. I am here to correct that.
Seriously, a really well written part that immerses you deep into a story and then that happens. I, at least, remembered that this is an indie project, with no editors-- that is, no one to talk sense into the author-- and solely a one man operation. Ah. I see now. I was wrong to expect high-quality dialogue. That is what happened in my mind the first time my immersion broke due to these hyphens.
Also, add in some semicolons. Not in dialogue-- you use em-dashes for that-- but in thoughts or stage direction. In fact, here, example:
'I was just thinking-- actually, didja hear about...' (Notice: this interruption reads nicely and shows the speaker trailing. Good dialogue.)
Deep in thought, I happened upon a peculiar sight; LOVE_INTEREST_NAME upon the top step of the stairwell... the very top... far past the gate that bars the roof. (Notice, this has a unique sentence structure, sets up something interesting, and is not terrible to read. Whoever is thinking this has a very dreamy sort of way of thinking. Maisy wouldn't think like this, right? Maybe consider the voices of your characters rather than being generic 'teenager' with all of them.)
So, in short, better sentence structure could spice things up for you. I don't recall much stage direction, anyway, but when it was there, it was like 'I ran into X at Y' and it's so, so repetitive. And during dialogue, everyone sounds the same, like I said. But, we'll get to dialogue in 4.
3. Why is it that we only really see dialogue here? Like we see thoughts, but they aren't really complex and do not characterize our protagonist very much. Not that I recall-- please do correct me. Very just 'Maisy was sad. I am worried.' Personally, I connect with a character better if he has thoughts that either coincide with mine or show a reasonable counter-perspective that I can respect. And I have a tendency towards thoughtful characters. That is, characters with 'dreamy' voices as I've exemplified above. Tangent end.
Now, our lovely protagonist does neither of that which I've recommended and instead just swoons over Stephine without a great reason. Yes, she is 'cool' and 'mysterious' and I suppose our protagonist finds that attractive, obviously. But, that is not a very compelling reason to anyone besides him. Like, a crush is often irrational in real life, but this is not real life and it would help if I didn't actively hate every time our protagonist mouthed off about Stephanie. Want to do a thing where it's like 'oh, but it was right in front of me all along!' then make sure that the audience cares enough to get there.
A counter perspective does not bother me nor many other readers but it needs to be reasonable-- this is why people like villains more than heroes some times, since we should like to see the villains on screen... but still want them to lose.
I'm not writing for you, either figure out how to make our protagonist be more mature about this, or just let everyone who does Maisy/Jayda's route be constantly annoyed at the protagonist's daft behavior. I don't care that he's in high school, I am sick and tired of dumb, illogically driven characters who care about things I don't care about. Make me care, please! Or don't, your choice.
(If you expect most players to probably like Jayda instantly, or even Maisy, then maybe make sure that it is more tolerable for us fellow tomboy enjoyers/ friend to lovers (lovers) as we force the protagonist past his irrational love for Stephanie. Seriously, it is annoying as it stands.)
This is your reminder that I like you, and your game. Also, this a PSA for why people really need to stop being nice to indie developers. Nobody here really cared to mention these glaring issues-- like, I don't expect anyone to hammer in the use of metaphors, but seriously nobody thought to maybe tell you that having background images with real people kind of throws off the animated vibe? Change that, please. It is really weird seeing our lovable Maisy right next to a very normal human walking their dog or something.
4. Okay, so no hyphens right, but oh man! We need 'lively' and 'quirky' dialogue. I joke, but you do sound like you'd like quirk in your characters, not in a bad way. First off, you want them to interrupt each other? Consider letting them finish their sentence then putting a proper em-dash (with two hypens '--' like how I do) at the end so that the reader gets the full thought from that character and understands that they were interrupted. Every book, and VN does this. Only fanfiction does silly things like this, and I love fanfiction.. but not in my VNs.
Also, you can maybe bring back our old friend, 'stage direction' rather than shoving half-completed sentences past the reader. Maybe 'we hurried past X before they could even open their mouth' and so skipping the.
Half. Completed thought. Seriously, and I mean this kindly, I thought that I was watching a 12 year old write after the first hypen incident occured. Like, the kids who do 'I-' all the time. That sounded like you. That is not good. It is beyond just 'unprofessional.' People will pay money for this once it's released! Maybe write better?
5. Since it's clear that you do not have the voice in your head that tells you your writing sucks-- the voice I have-- I'll learn you something.
Code = Prose
Consider it. Treat this as such and you may find it reading quite nicely. I have a love of prose over and beyond narrative. So when I see you maim your work like this, it's like reading bad code, in a way, except my brain is the compiler. And yours seems to have warnings turned off.
Bad code works, but god do I hate having to read, test, and inevitably debug it. I got dragged out of my immersion by these false em-dashes (usually you put two hyphens '--' to form an em-dash which is used for interruption in dialogue-- or for interrupting yourself like this. You did not do this and it bothered me even more-- I know I said this but really, dude, you're a good writer so stop being so bad!) which not ruined the professional vibe everything had with the sprites, music, and so on to such a degree that I almost just skipped those needless parts.
Although said 'professional' vibe was already tainted by the terrible background photographs that in no way fit with anime characters on top of them. People will spend money on this! Take it seriously! Stop hand waving things because I know you probably had the,
'Man, this one has people in it. Probably stands out.'
'Ah, it's fine. Nobody'll notice-- my vision anyways.'
Which is wrong. I noticed.
6. Cross examination time. Also I admit that I was just wrong about Australian slang, sorry about that. This is for once not a big deal, but maybe add in a few 'mates' or something. Anyway,
Stuart corrects Syd and points out that the FBI aren't an Australian organization! I recognize it in-universe.
That does not make it alright. You are in Australia, why would the FBI be on his mind? Also what is even the time period for this game? Like, Jayda had the GAMECUBE in her house. Like, I know people keep old consoles, but that came out a really long time ago, why is that there? I'm nitpicking, but seriously, but a time period. I wouldn't mind flip phones, personally, I think they're quaint and a good excuse to not have our cast on phones all day. (Speaking of which, the font used for phone conversations with Maisy really made me think that we were on a flip phone.)
That was off topic, but, seriously. You're in Australia. I guess you can do things like this and 'acknowledge' it and have it 'be funny' but why not just say, like, the ACIC and teach me something new while being funny?
I hope that Jayda charmed you enough to consider checking the full game
She did. She really did. And she really shouldn't have, but it was like an oasis in a desert. Every route looked terrible yet Jayda was like the beacon of hope through those dark times. I will probably buy the full game.
and that maybe eventually the other character's stories may interest you too! :)
They won't. Until I can stand the writing a bit more. I already don't like them due to how the perspective of the game is written. Maisy sounds just stupid not sympathetic and it's hard to feel bad for her stupidity when she keeps degrading Jayda-- I see her doing it, she cuts her off because she just can't let someone talk, right? And then Stephine did not wait with us for the bus outside, freezing half to death.
Yes, she is a reserved character. In fact, that is literally her 'flaw' just as what I said about Maisy is her 'flaw.' But I am simply not willing to look past these flaws on top of bad writing. I allowed the bad writing for Jayda because her route was very charming, their routes are not and unless I am being 'made up' to with great writing, motivations, and analysis on Syd's part, I am just not sitting through it in all honesty. People will read a day out at the park if it is written nicely. Think about that.
Final Thoughts
Like I said, I will most likely buy the full product. Most likely. But it depends on the price. In all honestly, a game of this quality should be no more than $15. $20+ VNs have full voice acting, great grammar, great motivations, great backgrounds, and great CGs. I am going to hurt your feelings and say that the CGs look strange. Cute sometimes, but especially with Jayda's, it looks lacking compared to the rest of the art-- it's not that it's bad, more just inconsistent. Same problem with the literal photographic backgrounds with real human beings. People are paying for this. Or at least I hope they will. I wanna see this thing work out.
You earned a very passionate fan in me, I really want to see these characters be memorable, the location be memorable, and this whole thing turn out great-- that is why I really hammered down. It sucks that you probably will 'do what you think is right.' But I can only give my very strong opinions.
I probably will not respond to you once you make your response-- I'll read it, but here's the reasoning: if it's negative and you don't like me for stating why your game sucks and needs to be better for the market, then there is no need to argue, right? But, if it's positive like I hope, and you at least try or tell me that you can't but liked the thoughts, then there is still no need for further discussion.